Friday, March 6, 2015

Am I Here?


I often wonder if I really exist. I look in the mirror and there I am. At least I think it is me. I hear myself say things and they sound like something I might say... I think. I often cut myself while preparing a meal. Blood appears and I hurt. It feels like me. But am I really here?

The reason I question is because others often tell me I am not the real me. I am the person who has to rush to the electric company to show them the cancelled check to prove I, me, actually paid them. Please do not discontinue service.

Paperwork for me is constantly being lost. My second son was never paid for. The reason? The insurance company had no record of me being covered. I fought them for several years with all the proof I could muster. They had more proof that I do not exist. I finally gave up.

I returned for that dreaded 6 week check-up after my daughter was born. My daughter was with me. They had her file ready and waiting to affirm that she was a perfect little girl. This was at the hospital where she was born.

Imagine my shock when they informed me that there was no record that I had ever been there. My daughter was born there. Where did she come from? I even had surgery two days after she was born. Or did I? They never did find my paperwork.

Then there are the many people who say, "You look just like my cousin's best friend's sister!" Or some equally obscure person. Am I that person?

In a diner one day with my children another person came and said that I looked just like a neighbor's friend. I told her that I was me. But I wonder. Am I?

When we had the junkyard people kept coming in and saying that I looked just like Metacore Mary. Metacore was a business that took used car parts and rebuilt them to better than new. Mary worked there and often made deliveries and picked up supplies. It was similar to the job I was doing. But I did not know her.

One day I was having some propane and oxygen tanks refilled. In walked a woman that looked like a relative. I was staring and when she noticed I apologized.

It was Metacore Mary. I explained that people were constantly telling me that I looked just like her. Once I had gone to pick up an order of work gloves and they gave me the order for Metacore because they thought she was me.

We looked like we might be relatives but we certainly did not look "just alike". Mary started to laugh. She said people were always telling her about this person who looked just like her! She was very nice and said she was happy to meet me.

Then she laughed again and was having a hard time stopping. It was not that funny. Then she said, " You don't look just like me. But you do look just like my younger sister!"

So you see? I am not certain there is a me. Papers do not support my existence. My face is so common that I could be anyone. But perhaps I am not me. Someone needs to tell me. Am I here?


14 comments:

  1. It sounds to me as if you have encountered a great deal of ineptitude, and not your own. How fun to meet a person you are thought to resemble.

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    1. Mary was very nice. It was the only time we crossed paths.

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  2. Dear Emma, that is weird: people losing papers you need to document that you are the mother of your baby - I mean: couldn't the midwife remember??? (I would have made such a scene in the hospital that they would not forget me till today :-)
    I think of you as a woman with power and profile. Maybe, if you make Boo! to all the geeses around you, they will open their short-sighted eyes and start to look at you with real attention.

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    1. Actually it has become a joke within the family. Everyone knows that my paperwork will be lost.

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  3. Oh, it happens, doesn't it. I think you handled it well enough though. I don't know what to do when I'm in that situation. :P

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    1. What I do is laugh. In my life I have discovered that laughter cures a lot of ills.

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  4. I am so glad that you are here to do these blog posts or do you have a ghostwriter?

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    1. I am not sure... if I am here I write the blogs. But if I am not here a ghostwriter is as good an explanation as any. I like the way you think.

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  5. Three years back I had my identity stolen. Found out when our very apologetic tax preparer called and said someone had filed ahead of me with my name and Soc. Sec. Number. I had to contact everybody from the local sheriff to the Federal Trade Commission. Each time I looked in the mirror I expected my reflection to fade. Happily, the matter got resolved but even last month, I had to use a special pin number to file taxes. I know (or at least certainly hope) nothing like that has happened to you, but I think it indicates a general disconnect between our whos and our wholess predators. Paperwork must be kept tidy and current or we end up trying to catch our own societal shadows. Perhaps if we sewed them to our toes as Wendy did for Peter Pan --oh there must be some cyber-equivalent for that. Main thing to remember is, all doubt aids thieves. We have worked hard on our whos. Let's keep us!

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    1. Up with us! But I thought a couple of seconds and then had to laugh. Anyone trying to steal my identity would not be here either. Perhaps that is the way to solve the identity theft problem... have them be me.

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  6. My reaction to this post is torn between finding these incidents funny or mysterious. I'm quite curious why is that constant unfortunate losing of papers & records happen to the same person as you. Maybe your name in too common or too unique but it doesn't sound to me. And about "looking like someone" maybe again, your features are quite common? I really don't know but this sparked interest in me.

    I am often asked to prove that I am me and my relatives & belongings are mine but it's all for immigration purposes.

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    1. Actually I have a very unusual name. The funny thing is that my sister is the one who always thought she was adopted.

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  7. oh, reading your story sometimes I find it hard why we need so much paper to prove our existence, indeed, how can your daughter be born there at the hospital if you were not there? :)

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    1. That is a question I have been asking since that day when we went for the check-up.

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