Friday, March 27, 2015
I Remember
Today would have been my husband's 68th birthday. I was slightly older than he was.
I am often surprised at how much I miss him. We had been divorced for more years than we were married when he died.
We did not have a bitter divorce. At the same time neither of us was happy with the other. And he remained until he died the person who knew what buttons to push to irritate me.
Because we share four children and all the grandchildren we were forever connected. We chose to be civil. Children even if they are grown should not be placed in the position of peacemakers or worse, having to take sides.
At the same time my children are not stupid. They knew if we were at odds about something. I felt free to say that I was angry with their father because they knew that I did not expect them to be angry with me. I am reasonably sure they felt the same way with their father.
I could even vent a bit. If the children stopped me by saying, "That's my dad you're talking about." I shut my mouth. I have friends and family I could rant to.
The main thing was that half of what my children are they got from their father. My children are amazing. How could I deny any part of them? How could I be guilty of making them believe that half of what they are is not worthy? They have some remarkable traits that come from their father and some that come from me. All parts make these exceptional people.
My husband and I experienced so much together. The most important of course was our children. But we had friends, family, and at times we worked together. We relied on each other to defend and protect. We had fun. We had sorrow. We faced it together.
It is sad when a marriage dies. We did try to resurrect it. It did not work.
When I learned that my husband was dying I took it in stride. He was far too young and vital. I even told him he was too ornery to die. That was when he called me to tell me the doctors told him he only had a few weeks left.
When my son called to tell me that his father had died I already knew. When I called the rest of my children they knew. He was such a force in all our lives that we just knew.
What did surprise me was how much his death affected me. It took me a long time to gather myself so I could be there for my children.
I began writing this as a tribute to him on his birthday. It seems that it has turned into something else.
I guess the thing is that I have my memories both good and bad of our lives together and separately. Most of all I remember the person who should not have been taken so soon.
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I find this very honest and very moving. Remembering your children's father on his birthday has to be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing is that he never remembered his birthday himself. I always had to remind him.
DeleteEven though you had your differences, I found your remembrance to be quite honest and forthright. It is obvious that even though you had your differences, you also had some areas of agreement. The fact that you had children must account for many good memories. It was nice of you to remember his birthday even though as you said he never did when alive.
ReplyDeleteI must tell you that even though we were divorced I knew I could rely on him for anything except money. He knew the same about me. There was some sort of strange affection between us even though we were no longer married and had no desire to be.
DeleteYou are remarkable, Emma. My compliments and sincere admiration.
ReplyDeleteThank you but I am not sure what you mean.
DeleteHonestly, I don't know if I want to express regret that hou were not sble to mend the marriage that ended, I might be unfair for thinking so since I don't really know what have you been through. I just want to say that staying together for the sake of your children is truly a remarkably self-excluding decision. I admire you for being that responsible parent. Geo might mean the same.
ReplyDeleteBingo!
DeleteThank you also. My children have told me that they are glad that we were no longer married. I must tell you that we were not arguing or anything like that so the children were not escaping a dangerous situation. Our marriage simply died. But the children do feel that their lives were better the way things turned out. It is sad because we all plan to be together forever when we marry. When a marriage ends it is sad.0.
DeleteYeah it it must be sad. I know someone very close who had the same situation. But they were younger whentheir marriage died and they didn't have any kids. They stsyed together for sometime, more like friends or partners at work but eventually they divorced and got married with someone else. Now they both have families.
DeleteMy husband remarried. I have no desire to be married again. I believe in our case he needed someone to care for him. I do not want to care for another husband... too much work.
DeleteDear Emma, it is sad, wenn a person one onece loved, dies. I admire the way you both got on after the divorce. Hope you are feeling well again?
ReplyDeleteAs they say time heals. It has been a few years now and I believe we are all continuing our lives as we do after we lose someone. I think perhaps it was harder because my brother died only a couple of months before. At any rate we remember and miss but hurt less.
DeleteI admire you for letting your kids keep a very good relationship with their father and for you to see remarkable traits of your divorced husband through your kids.
ReplyDeleteI would never deprive my children of anything I could safely give them. Family is such an important thing. No child should be alienated from family unless it is unsafe. They deserved their father.
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