Tuesday, May 19, 2015


I recently spoke to a dear friend of mine. At one time we were inseparable. Then things changed and we no longer saw each other at all except occasional uncomfortable chance meetings.

Our husbands were friends and that is how we met. Our friendship grew gradually. It was not an immediate thing.

Then I was no longer married. But friendship remained. Our huge group of friends did not drop either my husband or myself from the group. We were not thrust together but we did not lose friends which was fortunate.

I went to work for my friend's husband. Because of this I knew a lot of what was happening in his life as well.

I learned that he had hired two women and the husband of one of them as night watchmen for his business. My employer was having an affair with the second woman.

When my friend found out that her husband was seeing another woman she called me in tears. I went to her house immediately. As she alternated between hurt, betrayal, anger, fury, and fear I listened.

Then I told her that she needed to know that I had known about the affair for some time. I had not told her because if it had been a short term thing she might never have known and therefore never hurt by it. I also told her that I was there for her but that I would not run to her with stories true or otherwise. She understood and accepted that.

His affair continued. She continued to be hurt. She stayed with him because she was afraid to be on her own. She had little education and had never had a job. She did not know how she and the children would live if she left him.

Eventually she had an affair of her own. She needed to feel desirable to someone... anyone.

She became pregnant. She felt that the risk of having the baby borne of an affair was to great so I went with her when she had an abortion. Until now only three people have known about the abortion; her sister, her, and me.

She ended her affair. It was best. Unfortunately she began to drink.

In the meantime her husband began to feel that I was the root of all his problems so he fired me from my job. He had stopped seeing the woman he was seeing but he needed to feel that he was not at fault.

That was when I realized that if they were to be able to make their marriage work I had to break up with both of them.

I miss my friendship with both of them. I think they miss me a bit too.

They are still married. But it is a sad and distant marriage.

The husband has become ill but he still runs his business. I think he feels cut off not only from his wife but also his children and grandchildren.

The wife still drinks too much. She will not leave the marriage but nurtures the hurt. She has little to say to her husband.

All this unhappiness of course affected their children. They are troubled and most have disfunctional families as well.

It is a sad end to a marriage. It was a sad end to a friendship.

When I heard her voice on the phone I felt wonderful. She invited me to go a couple of places with her. She did not know that I no longer live near her. I think she misses me too.

I have also talked to her husband since then. I think he is a broken man. He knows that it all began with him being foolish. The problem is that he cannot change it.

I wish people could see and truly understand what happened to my friends. It is the best deterrent to infidelity.


  1. Life reflects every choice made. Best to reflect on the choices before making them.

    1. Unfortunately stupid choices are usually made before even thinking about thinking about them. We are impulsive creatures.

  2. It is a sad ending indeed. When they were young I'm sure they dreamed of happy endings, but look at their reality. Messy. Painful. Toxic.

    It is the choices that we make that determines the quality of our lives. At least we have learned lessons from their story.

    1. I hope so. I just wish they would both take a couple of steps back then move to the side then a couple of steps toward each other.

  3. Staying together has not reaped happiness for either one. While the end of a marriage is sad, perhaps the lives of your friends would have been better had they divorced. Speaking from personal experience, it worked better for me.

    1. I heartily agree. My friend was afraid she could not survive on her own. She was the oldest of a fairly large mostly poor family. She and her husband had made a comfortable lifestyle and she did not want to be poor again. He knew that his infidelity was the catalyst for what happened. He is still trying to make up for it. Unfortunately they are not working to save their marriage. They are merely trying to exist in the same plane.

  4. It is sad whenpeopke do not understand what consequences if their actions might bring. Marriage, friendship are two very essential things in life to destroy just because one reason which eventually affected many - like children. It is sad especially at old age when none of them can change the past and start anew. Old age should be enjoyed with memories not to be spent with regrets. I feel sorry for your friends.

    1. I feel sorry for them too. They have lost each other and also many friends who just did not know how to deal with the situation.

  5. what a very sad way for both of them, i hope they both find forgiveness from each other and from themselves, i know, must be easy to say, but unless they set themselves free from those betrayals, the hurt and pain will continue to inflict on them deeper and deeper

    1. I continue to hope too. But it has more than thirty years now. I doubt it will happen. The saddest part of all is that I think they really care about each other and can't admit it.