Friday, March 25, 2016

At A Loss


I have mentioned before that I often write my posts in advance of actually posting them. In a recent (for us) conversation with another blogger we had a mini conversation about coping with loved ones no longer being with us for holidays.

She and her family were about to experience their first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her mother. Every family goes through this. It is hard to enjoy a holiday when someone who was an integral part of the celebration is missing.

Mom was a great cook. For Thanksgiving she always made a big meal. We were all welcome to come with our families. The only rule she had was that no one get between her and the television during the football game.

I am a decent enough cook. I make Thanksgiving dinner for us. But it is not the same as being at Mom's house.

Daddy loved Christmas. On Christmas Eve we all gathered at my parent's house. Mom would take a picture of the tree before we got there. Then she would take another after we had all put the gifts we brought under the tree. It was awe inspiring to see the sheer number of packages.

Daddy played "Santa". He did not dress up but he passed out the gifts. The littlest one always got the first gift, then on up in age until the oldest person opened one. After that he made sure that the gifts were given out so that each person was a constant part of the action.

After Daddy died my brother happily took over the "Santa" duties. He was good at it and did it exactly like Daddy did. But it was not the same. And we all felt it.

When I was little we went to my grandparents' farm for Easter. Aunts, uncles, and cousins were there. We all brought our colored eggs.

The day would be spent hiding the eggs and hunting them all over again. If it rained we hid them in the attic but on a nice day they were hidden outside. We would hide those eggs until they were nothing but mush.

A big Easter dinner was served. It seemed like there were hundreds of deviled eggs which was fine with me.

Then as we grew up my parents were the ones who had Easter at their house. We were all there with our children and their colored eggs.

My father died on Good Friday. We made an extreme effort to make Easter as normal as possible for the children that year. It was hard enough for them to be without the grandfather they adored.

What we did not realize is that after that year Easter became Easter baskets and a dinner. Gone was the family get-together. Gone was the trip to the park for the annual egg roll. Gone was the fun.

The sad thing was that we did not even know what we had done. Until my youngest son was grown and told me he wanted to make an Easter for his children like he used to have. Would I help?

I was shocked first. Then I felt ashamed for cheating the children in our family of the happiness we had in getting together. The sad thing is that it was not just me. My mother, my sisters and brothers. We just went through the motions.

My son had a great Easter planned. We all took our colored eggs and lots of food. My son hid eggs in the yard at the side of his house. The kids had a fun time hunting them.

After we over-ate we went back outside. I am not sure who started it but I think it was my second son. Suddenly there were Easter eggs flying everywhere. The kids had the best fight ever throwing eggs at each other. It was great.

It is normal to feel the loss especially during a time of celebration. For me it is best to talk about the person missing with the others who miss them too. Perhaps it is my way of making sure they are included. I always think of Daddy at Easter.

16 comments:

  1. Now that is a coincidence, Emma: in my last post about rituals (I wrote it half an hour ago and had had no time to look at other blogs) I mentioned the grief one feels when someone has left and a feast is coming.
    I'm glad for the children that you celebrated Easter again. And I wish you a beautiful Easter!

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    1. The really sad thing is that we simply did not realize that we had pretty much abandoned the celebration. I hope your Easter is a joyful one.

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  2. I find it sad that our extended family has dwindled so that the old boisterous times are gone. I think my grandchildren are left to making their own traditions.
    My own mother died at Easter, years ago. The funeral was beautiful, attended by many, many who loved her. We had it on the day after Easter, that year. My birthday. When my brother's funeral was on my daughter's birthday a couple of years ago, we had a little chuckle.

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    1. As families grow they seem to move away both physically and sometimes emotionally. Either way I believe that the traditions are a good thing. They do not have to be the same traditions but they create a sense of belonging.

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  3. We had reunion dinner at new year eve. All siblings enjoyed together with our parents this good time.
    But this was a long ago.
    Time can never come back.

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    1. I know what you mean. I remember thinking when my father dies that I no longer had a Daddy. The best thing we can do for them and ourselves is to remember them.

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    2. Thank you. Welcome to Leaves On My Tree.

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  4. This was a very touching post, Emma, and it expressed things that happen or stop happening when beloved family members pass one, it seems that traditions may go with them as well. I was glad to read that yours have returned.

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    1. My father received such joy from celebrating anything with family. He would not have wanted us to stop celebrating Easter.

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  5. Hello,

    very touching post. So sad that we lose our dear ones and then we carry on with our usual life. We think of them often and the wonderful time we had with them. Now they are only in our memory. Perhaps we would have saved some photos of them and look at them with fond memories.

    I used to have wonderful Christmas when my children we small. But now they have grown big and gone away from my home to make a life for themselves. Yet those fabulous days of enjoyment,fun and laughter remain in my memory.

    Wonderful post.

    Happy Easter to you and your family

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    1. Every family has a big picture of my father on the wall where everyone can see it. It reminds us what a great and caring person he was to us. But my favorite picture of him is him sleeping in his chair and holding my oldest son who is also sleeping. It shows the love he had for his family.

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  6. Your post reminds me of this- when we visit England now, we are reminded of those who have passed away. We miss them very much.
    Happy Easter to you. Hope you have a lovely day. x

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    1. It is good to be reminded of the ones who are now gone. They made us who we are.

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  7. missing our love ones especially one such festivals is natural ,

    my one brother passed away when he was only thirteen he was two years older then me ,i still remember when on every especial occasions my mother used to remember and cry as he died just while ago i grew up watching all this but more then the death of my brother hurts me the memory of my mom's such sad behavior

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    1. The only time I ever saw my father cry was when my brother was killed in Viet Nam. Daddy was absolutely heartbroken. Both my parents were. It is not natural for parents to lose children and thank goodness I can only imagine the grief they feel. I am sorry you lost your brother when he was so young.

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