Dark Humor

An epitaph is a saying usually seen on a gravestone. Some are sad. Some impart a bit of wisdom. Some are funny. Because I like to laugh I will post some funny epitaphs and hope you laugh too.

Guess whose headstone says, "Quoth the raven, "Nevermore" Wrong! It was Edgar Allen Poe.

Not all have famous names to go with them. For instance:

She always said her feet were killing her, but no one believed her.

Spike Mulligan: I told you I was ill

Fran Thatcher: Damn, it's dark down here.

Joan Hackett - Go Away - I'm Asleep

Here lies John Yeast. Pardon me for not rising

Famous outlaw Studs Terkel: Curiosity did not kill this cat

JOKE'S OVER. LET ME OUT NOW!

“Here lies an atheist. All dressed up with no place to go.”

“On the 22nd of June
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.”

"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake/Stepped on the gas/ instead of the brake."

I was hoping for a pyramid

Well this sucks

Mel Blanc - That's All Folks

Clay Allison never killed a man that did not need killin

This ain't bad once you get used to it.

There are only two things in life But I forget what they are.

Here lies Les Moore. No Les, No More

Dorothy Parker - Excuse My Dust

J Penny: Reader, If cash you are in want of any, dig four feet deep and find a penny.

HE LOVED BACON. Oh and his wife and kids too.

Here lies a lazy bum. You finally get to lay in one place and not move at all like you always wanted.

Here lies Clyde. His life was full until he tried to milk a bull.

Under The Bonnet

 My mother had not been married long when she discovered she was expecting a baby,,, me.

Of course my parents were excited. A new person coming into the world is always exciting. At that time parents did not know whether their baby would be a boy or a girl. Daddy wanted a girl. I have no idea if Mom had a preference.

They had to get a crib and all the furniture needed for a baby. A baby needs diapers, blankets, and clothes. I hope they enjoyed gathering them. 

Mom had always loved baby bonnets. You know the kind. They fit the baby's head and then have the big brim that is supposed to be cute.

She bought bunches of them. If she had a girl baby it would always have a bonnet.

Poor Mom. She did have me... a beautiful baby girl with a round face.  My cheeks were the roundest of all.

She would put one of her bonnets on me and I looked like a fat baby. Actually Mom said I looked like a watermelon in a baby bonnet. It broke her heart.

I still do not look good in a hat. What a shame.

Look Out!

 

Animals and my cars do no get along. I have no idea why. I am not a huge animal lover but I would never purposely hurt an animal in any way.

One day I picked my children up after school. I was driving about a block from the school. We were going to visit their grandmother.

As I was driving past an alley I saw a dog running at top speed. I slowed the car so I would not hit the dog.

It kept running and ran right into the side of my car.

I immediately got out to see if I could help the poor thing. It kept running.

I jumped back into the car and went to find it. I drove for the longest time and did not find the dog.

What I did find was a big round rust-colored stain on the side of the car. It was where the dog's head had hit the car. 

Then many years later I moved back here after I retired. I so enjoyed driving to the top of a hill and looking out over the beautiful countryside. Of course there was the occasional raccoon or possum laying beside the road after being hit by a car. Sometimes there was even a wild turkey or a deer.

Deer are silly animals at times. I have seen them wait for a car to come and then run right in front of it.

As I was driving into Sioux City one day I saw a small herd of deer standing by the road. I stopped my car to let them cross. I did not want to chance hitting one.

Instead the male ran at my car and rammed the door on the passenger's side where my son was sitting. My son yelled for me to drive away. In the rear view mirror I saw the deer rolling. Then it jumped up and ran off.

I had to take the car to the dealership to have the door repaired. The door was dented, the handle to open it was smashed in. The window would not open. They fixed it right up.

You can see why I am wary of animals on the road.

Jailbird

Delilah feels secure looking through bars 

Delilah is my son's dog. We keep a cage in the living room for her.

She likes having a place she can retreat. Maybe she' will take a nap. 

The door to the cage is always open. She can come and go as she pleases. There is a nice dog bed inside. She is nice and comfortable.

But sometimes she likes to nap on the rug. After playing with some of her toys she will go over to the drunken leprechaun who sleeps under the television. She nudges it with her nose to move it ever so slightly. Then she goes over to her cage for a nap. 

She also likes to lie on the carpet in front of the cage and look around. But first she pulls the door of the cage open. Then she lounges and peeks through the bars of the cage door.

She looks for all the world like she is peering through bars in a jail. My son laughs and calls her a jailbird.

It Falls

Have you ever seen something that just does not seem possible? Well I have.

Niagara Falls is astounding. To see that much water rushing over the edge is phenomenal. I find myself hypnotized as I watch.

There are actually three large magnificent falls. I never remember which is which. There is an observation deck where you can stand and watch all that water tumble over the edge. The roar of the water makes it difficult to hear anything else.

If you can tear your eyes away from the tumbling water you can see where the water is going. There is a huge mist rising from where the water hits the rocks below. The mist must go at least 75 feet into the air.

There is a boat called Maid Of The Mist. If you take a ride on it you will be taken as close to the water hitting the rocks as possible. 

Of course the mist is water. Going that close will make you wet. They do provide raincoats and rainhats but you will still be wet.

As much as I enjoyed the boat ride I still prefer standing on the observation deck watching the water fall over the edge.

Laugh Clown Laugh

My second grandson was about 4 years old. He had seen a stand-up comedian om television. He decided he would be a comedian.

In the evening he would pull up a box. Then he would grab the vacuum cleaner.

He would climb up om the box using it as his stage. The handle of the vacuum was the perfect height to be used as a microphone. 

He always began by saying, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen.." Then he would do his act.

It was never the same. It was not always funny. But he was so darn cute that we laughed anyway.

Of course those evenings are long gone. I sure do miss them.

Ring Off

I often hear on television about the damage to a child when they see their parents fighting. I have also seen children who believe that adults arguing is perfectly normal. Perhaps somewhere in those words are truth.

We never saw our parents argue. Not ever. 

That does not mean we were unaware when they had a disagreement. Mom would stop speaking to Daddy. 

Daddy would say, "Want a cup of coffee, Hon?" She said nothing. Soon it was "Want a cup of coffee, Hon?" No answer.

That went on for the longest time. Finally Mom would say, "I guess so." Daddy would yell, "EMMA! Get your mother a cup of coffee!" 

Disagreement over.

I went and married a feisty little man whose family argued as recreation. Silly me. From watching movies and television I thought that yelling meant you would get a divorce.

The first time I met my in-laws-to-be my mother-in-law was mad at my father-in-law. She came in from the kitchen to wag her finger and really tell him off. My mouth dropped open and pretty much stayed open.

She yelled until she got tired then said, "Oh ring off!" She went back into the kitchen. When she had collected herself she was right back yelling at my father-in-law.

It happened several times before we left. I was in shock.

My parents were happily married for almost 40 years until my father died. My in-laws were happily married for more than 75 years until my father-in-law died. 

It just shows that there are all sorts of families. As long as the arguing is not physical it is normal for them.